Side eye… hand on the hip…. mouth wide open…..twist of the neck….and lots of attitude! ……….wait for it…. speak MAMA RU!
Isn’t funny how our emotions work? One minute the world feels like it’s going to end and the next minute you feel compelled to serve Beyoncé realness.
As I bring the microphone to my lips and open up my 👄, I take in a mouthful…. OF AIR! Y’all nasty. Lol. And allow my vocal chords to do the rest. Oh… ya’ll thought I was going to actually starting singing? You’ve got the wrong blog!
I’ve revealed more than I ususally do these past few posts and I must say it’s been liberating. The overwhelming support has reminded me to ensure I’m also being kind, loving and supportive to myself. So interesting how we forget to do such a simple thing.
I’ve recently started going to a counselor. Yes! I know….it’s still hard for me to admit it but hell I’m going to a damn counselor….and I’m unapologetic. And even better it’s covered by my insiurance. Lol. Anyway…….usually at the end of every session I try to walk away with some mantra that I can put into practice throughout the week. And this week…. you guessed right.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF ANTHONY.
I don’t know where this journey shall take me. I surrender chile! I mean literally, I have handed over the car keys and fastened my humble ass in the passenger seat of life. SOURCE take the wheel. My GPS is off… hell my cellphone is off. I clasp my hands together, throw my head out of the car window and look up to the sky. I simply close my eyes and say thank you. This is myTRUTHmyCLARITY and so it is friends.
Categories: Life Lesson
Tags: Alone, blind, Clarity, Curiosity, decisions, energy, evolve, Fear, gay, gratitude, happiness, hope, Inspiration, journey, leap of faith, Life, love, peace, Positive thoughts, sad, smile, strength, Surrender, Truth, Wisdom
Hey fellow writers! I always wonder how many people actually read these posts? Then I wonder why I do I actually care? I mean my purpose for writing is for me to reflect on my truth my clarity. If my journey inspires others …. great! If not… eh… it is what it is. No shade…. wink.
Sorry folks, today’s a funky kind of day. Heck I’m just tired and it’s myTRUTHmyCLARITY. Lol. I’ve found myself trying to keep busy in order to avoid the present matters at hand. Sigh…. I’m tired just thinking about it. I keep hearing ‘one day at a time’ but these days are wearing me out! Lol. It’s interesting because I feel this need to ‘keep swimming’ 🏊 but lately I’m feeling more compelled to simply float. I’m doing all this swimming and haven’t a clue which direction I should even be headed in. Round and round I go wondering why I’m chasing my tail. The other day it dawned on me to actually stop swimming and come up for some damn air. Like literally take my head up out of the water! Well damn! Didn’t realize I was actually swimming/exhibiting in a fishbowl of emotions which speaks to why I’ve been suffocating.
I’m tired friends….and just feel this need to float calmly in the ripples of my emotions. As I lay on my back and look up out of the fishbowl I wonder what’s out there? How do I get myself out of this bowl of emotions. My desire to change goes beyond buying a filter and changing the water. I want more than this bowl…I want to be able to leap out of this bowl and float through the winds of possibility. I want to feel free of all the pain and sorrow. I lay here floating….. feeling to tired to swim. It’s so hard to just be still but know I must if ever I am to restore my fire 🔥 to persevere. I float freely……just being with self and having faith that one day I’ll be restored enough to take the leap of LIFE out of the bowl and into the unknown. This is myTRUTHmyCLARITY. And so it is….I FLOAT. :0)
Categories: Life Lesson
Tags: Clarity, Curiosity, Fear, gay, gratitude, growth, happiness, happy, journey, Life, love, motivation, positive thinking, Positive thoughts, purpose, Self love, smile, Stillness, Surrender, Wisdom
It’s Day 1 after the physical separation between my partner and I. Last night was tough. I mean I literally felt sick. I helped him move his stuff out and even went as far as bringing him to his new place. I don’t know if that was wise because I broke down in tears as I was about to leave. It’s interesting because the tears weren’t due to the actual separation. They were more about his well being. I just felt bad leaving him there. I mean this guy sacrificed a lot to appease my needs throughout our eight years. I kind of feel responsible for him being all the way out here in the Bay Area. It’s a hard pill to swallow which is why I spit that shit out!
I am NOT responsible for the poor decisions he made. I am not responsible for the infidelity. I am not responsible for why we are separating. Like I said to him, “I never wanted for this to happen.” I was pushed into a corner and forced to evaluate my own well being. I have enough self respect to know what I deserve when it comes to being loved. That pill that I tried to swallow can lay its ass on the ground. Matter of fact, I’ll just go ahead and crush the hell out of it. That grown man made grown decisions. And my story, my happiness, my well being will not rest upon a person who has yet to really discover and love himself. I stand tall, I stand proud, I stand courageous, I stand in my faith knowing…..that if I just keep swimming……Just keep swimming…..Just keep swimming…..Just keep smimming……true peace regarding this matter shall come. In the interim, this is myTRUTHmyCLARITY. And so it is!
Categories: Life Lesson
Tags: boyfriend, courage, gay, happiness, hate, hope, Life, love, relationships, sadness, strength
Nine months ago on September 1, 2017 at 5:00pm my life changed. It literally folded in half within a split second and ever since that moment it’s never been the same between us. Unconditional love? What does that really mean and have I failed? I mean I literally tried everything in my power to grow, maintain and massage the trust that had been kicked out the damn door (literally). Sigh….. this whole situation has just been one big old TO DO and I’m so tired. I get relationships are work but any element of seamlessness is/was needed/wanted.
Today is the day he moves out. Today is the day I truly begin to heal GIVEN I follow his departure with healthy choices. Today is the day I get back to focusing all of my attention on me. Today is the day I halt all side eyes and just live in peace at home. Today is the day I can walk home and no longer hold my breathe wondering what’s going on… on the other side of the door. Today is the day I start dating myself, loving myself, cooking for myself, being with myself WITHOUT DISTRACTION. Today is not an ending, it’s a new beginning. It doesn’t have to be all sad and gloomy. Matter of fact….IT WON’T. Today is the day for change. Today is the day and I’m unapologetic for asking him to leave. I deserve better and that starts with SELF LOVE. I won’t put him in charge of my happiness. I stand strong like Wonder Woman :0) and will sail confidently into the unknown waters of the world. I surrender….! This is myTRUTHmyCLARITY and so it is.
I’m taking a big leap and going to share some intimate thoughts in my upcoming posts. It TRULY makes me very uncomfortable which is why I know it’s needed for growth. I’m doing this as a form of healing. Y’all, life! It sure is like a rollercoaster. One of a kind. A roller coaster with an endless track of twists, turns, hills, stops, varied speeds, and LOTS of bumps. Lots and lots of bumps. Did I mention that the coaster is also made out of wood? Yeah, so let’s not forget the constant repairs needed just to ensure it’s still functional. Y’all, life truly is like a roller coaster.
Where to even begin? Sigh, he cheated on me. What’s worse is that I walked in on both of them completely naked. There I said it. Nine months ago I thought time would heal the wound yet it still hurts. If I could just take that moment out of my memory bank. That moment altered my entire life. That moment change everything. That moment put the roller coaster out of operation for a while. That moment….sigh is a moment I’m determined to conquer. That moment will not conquer me. That moment is my badge of honor. That moment is just that….a moment.
My promise to myself is to live out loud no matter good or bad. This blog has always served as a form of healing. As I unpack my ‘dirty draws’ know that my intention is to heal. My intention is to forgive. And my intention is to move forward. I will no longer play victim. That moment was lurking on the shadows. It had to happen. It was inevitable. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am truly going to look back and be grateful for that moment. It’s time to open up, Good, bad or indifferent. I surrender to myTRUTHmyCLARITY.
Categories: Life Lesson
Tags: anger, cheating, courage, gay, healing, Life, love, purpose, sadness, strength, Wisdom